"Is your email service biased towards you? do you find that everyone that you know has been upgraded to a new version of the service while you've been left behind even though you signed up for the service before them? Are you sad because of this?"
"Let me introduce you to something that will help you recover. Introducing The Nullified Field Effect... An easy to use general application cream. This cream is guaranteed to erase all memories that you have ever had of a particular service called GMAIL, both good and bad. So, the next time someone says 'Hey have you checked out this new feature in on your gmail account?' you can proudly say, 'what the heck is gmail? some kinda postal service?' and be totally sincere about it!"
NOTE: This message is dedicated to all those who have selflessly given themselves up to an email service that uses them as guinea pigs and does not repay them with basic courtesy ... upgrading their services only after everyone else in the universe! To everyone who uses gmail and finds that they are the last to get gmail chat or google calendar on their gmail accounts! You are the real Martyrs.